Momentarily, I almost forgot that I have a place here to write and express my reflection. It does not matter anymore whether it rains, shines or else.. or whether it is about the plane, the train or other means…So here we go…
In my serene, relatively hectic, mostly routine, borderline boring life, something has changed. I have met someone. My life has taken a new twist, toss and turn, inside out and upside down. My otherwise meticulous, self-managed life has found a new meaning. My usually quiet weekend, free from argument, full of peace and tranquility, suddenly has been rustled. My whole equilibrium has been shaken.
To the question whether it makes me react differently, the answer is absolutely. Whether it makes me happier, I am still not sure. Whether something has filled in the creases of my soul, yes, there is a new substance there. It feels warm, sometime cringes with anxiety of what would happen next. Some unpredictable event, happening, habit, character and many more are unfolding itself everyday, areas which I have never encountered before. It is about to evolve and grow into something possibly, meaningful.
We are starting a journey, whereby we try to be honest to each other; about our past lives, about constraints, obstructions and challenges. There were days which I am optimist, feel great about it; there were days which really challenged me to the limit, which sometime give me a knot in my tummy – whether I am for it. Should I focus on the differences or look for more similarities and genuine qualities of the person, lacking and may complement me, finding common grounds? Simple question, complex to answer.
From the bottom of my heart, I enjoy each and every moment of our togetherness. Moments which do not necessarily all too rosy, but is it not called reality? It has been too long for me and too rusty to feel being special. In my universe, everything is too rationalized and typical prescribed routine, mundane day-to-day. This is so different.
The instant gratification to see results, to see things evolve fast enough, would be the only things which would scare me; scared to push it too much or waiting what I feel too long to happen… once again, my patient is being tested.
The habit of being in control becomes a shared control or even worst, suddenly somebody else is in control or helping me to control things around my personal life. This type of change freaks me out. How do I feel about it, how do I go about adjusting my life, my expectations, my being? Suddenly I need to learn and re-learn about letting go, about enjoying the ride with somebody else, which maybe not according to my measures and expectations anymore.
Maybe I am too self-involved, too self-important, too over-analyzing everything; need to let go, loosen up, need to less rationalize, need to simplify and feel more.. Yep, I am more than willing to learn and re-learn.
Am I ready to face these changes? This is such a big leap to take, even when mentioned to take it one step, one breath at a time; I found it quite an intimidating challenge to take. Whatever it is and whatever it takes, I will never take this experience and take this person for granted. Because he is special to me.